I never thought I could be so broken. I knew what it felt like to have your heart ripped in half. I knew what it felt like to bleed as the one you loved watched and turned away. I thought I could handle any pain. But this. This is too much. Why did that fucking text have to get sent to me? Why does he have someone else already? Why does nobody ever care that they lose me? Why am I so unimportant to everyone and everything? My first ex got engaged and then married less than a year after we had broken up. He actually met her after we broke up to. That was how special I was. After spending nearly two years with him it was like I never fucking mattered. Now it's happening all over again. Except this time it was THREE GOD FORSAKEN YEARS. And there is already someone else. I want to hate him but i can't. All I can do is feel pain like it's never going to end. Because I don't think it will. I'm tired of never being enough for people. I'm tired of people being able to walk out of me life without ever looking back. I'm tired of being treated like I'm something the other person can't live without, would die for if they had to, and then come to find that I can be tossed away as carelessly as a piece of garbage. I feel like a lost little child. I have so much alcohol and pills at my house...I want to take them. I don't want to keep living with the pain. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate myself for not being enough for not being good enough for losing out on the best thing I was ever going to have. But I can't hate him. I can pretend all I want but I don't and I never will. But why, why is there already someone? I never thought I could bear this much pain and not have my heart LITERALLY break in half from it all. I never thought it would hurt this much. I'm an idiot because now I realize at the end of the day what I really want. And it's too late. I feel like there's nothing left for me now. Someone told me to never give up hope, because hope is the last thing we have. I cried because I haven't had hope in a very long time. If you know the myth of Pandora's box then you know that she unintentionally released pain, suffering, war, famine and every other bad thing you could imagine on the world but just before she closed the box after realizing what she had done the last thing got out. That last thing was hope. Could you imagine a world that was completely devoid of hope for a better tomorrow? Could you imagine anyone choosing to stay alive in that kind of world? Now imagine all of those bad things, or at least a fair portion, happening to a single person. How could that person be expected to live on with no hope that tomorrow will bring anything better? Why would anyone WANT to live like that? So why should I? Why should I continue to exist in a world that does nothing for me? That I can't be happy in, that I can't even hope for a happier tomorrow in? Why be here at all? "I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, my weakness is, that I care too much, and the scars remind us that the past is real, I tear my heart open JUST TO FEEL." Thank you Papa Roach. I'm tired of sewing myself shut. I'm tired of picking up the pieces. I'm tired of being a goddamn puzzle that has to be put back together every time it's broken again. I never thought it would be this way. I never thought I could cry so much. There are so many things that I never thought would happen that did. But I think what is worst, is all the things I was sure would happen that didn't. I thought we would be together forever. I thought we would love each other always. I thought we would always be there for each other no matter what. I thought we would have a future together. I thought I could count on him forever. Those hurt the worst. Because I was wrong. I put all the faith I had left in me into him and I let myself down. I'm hurt, I'm tired, and I just want it to end. And I don't care how.
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